Relationships

10 Ultimate Girlfriend Mysteries -- Solved!

By Belisa Vranich

Does your brain get twisted into a pretzel trying to decipher how her brain works? Wondering what to do? MLT's relationship expert clears it all up for you.

In this day and age, mankind has figured out how to engineer a nanoparticle to walk the dog, bring in the mail and empty the crumbs from the kitchen toaster. And yet, your lady (or the lady you want) can still confound you with wants and needs you just don’t understand.

Is there some way to hack into this FOS (Female Operating System)? Maybe an online translator that can interpret the language of the modern girlfriend?

Well, we can’t clue you into every inexplicable thing she does. But we can highlight the most familiar (no doubt) scenarios and give you a cross-sectioned, 3-D snapshot of her brain at that moment along with a little bonus perspective.

Here, the top 10 confounding girlfriend mysteries, defounded:

Mystery No. 1: She wears killer shoes.

She insists on wearing shoes that have no resemblance to the human foot, then complains that her feet are killing her.

Her brain:

She knows how sexy these skyscraper heels make her legs look -- no matter what her weight. (Bonus: Unlike her other clothes, her shoes always fit since her feet stay the same size.) There is a God.

How to handle:

Don’t even try to convince her that loafers are sexy. Besides, you too like how those heels make her stems look! Just make sure she has a chair, stool or lap to sit on at all times.

Mystery No. 2: She’s fickle with frenemies.

She can go from BFF to mortal enemy with someone within 48 hours (and revert back in 72).

Her brain:

They talk a lot more than guys, start talking younger, and in general, use a lot more words. So of course women argue more -- it’s a numbers game.

How to handle:

Is this really crazy behavior? What do two boxers do at the end of bloody fight? They hug like old high school pals. See, we aren’t that different. Just try to jump ahead and envision her endgame, and you’ll get fewer surprises.

Mystery No. 3: Her self-esteem is a fashion victim.

An article of clothing can make her feel thin or fat.

Her brain:

Since she’s been old enough to point and say “I want,” she has been subliminally and not so subliminally marketed to. Of course she actually believes that those pants -- and this hairspray, that lip gloss and that perfume -- can actually make her into a different person (the pushup bra excluded, ingenious wicked invention that was).

How to handle:

Tell her that nothing makes her look fat to you and that her skinny clothes indeed make her look very lean. She’ll roll her eyes at how dumb you are in the first scenario (“Just look at my ass in that skirt! It needs its own zip code!) and smile at the second.

Mystery No. 4: She gets flash hunger attacks.

When she gets hungry, she has to eat “right now” or she’ll faint. (Didn’t she see it coming?)

Her brain:

It’s just wired more delicately when it comes to intake and output of energy. Because of hormonal changes throughout the month, at times she needs more “fuel” than others. Plus, she’s by nature a caretaker, so tuning into her own grumbling stomach comes last. Result: You have that girl clawing at you to stop at a 7-Eleven for a snack of nuts … or anything!

How to handle:

Don’t take this as a nuisance; see it as a fantastic opportunity to look like a great guy when you stop to get her a yogurt or banana.

Mystery No. 5: She clones her clothes.

She buys multiple items of clothing that look exactly the same.

Her brain:

Girlfriend: “How does this look?”

(You squint. Don’t say it. Don’t! We warned you.)

You: “Don’t you have one just like it?”

The consequences: She rewards you with a long list of reasons why the second identical little black thingie is better than the first.

How to handle:

Instead of stating the obvious, the correct response would have simply been, “Great!” Plus, now you know what to get her for Valentine’s Day: something that looks exactly like something she has.

Mystery No. 6: She bans many foods.

One food can become vilified virtually overnight. (Salad dressing has to be on the side, etc.)

Her brain:

Every week, magazine after magazine uncovers a new reason America is obese. Add to this the Armageddon-like disaster of a hint of cellulite somewhere, and no wonder she can count a meal’s calories faster than you can say, “We’re ready to order.”

How to handle:

Encourage less neurotic eating habits, and make sure to over-tip the poor bullied waitress who was interrogated about e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e ingredient in her dish.

Mystery No. 7: She’s BFFs with celebs.

She feels perfectly entitled to talk about an actress/singer/socialite and that celebrity’s outfits/boyfriend/makeup in detail, though she’s never actually met her (and probably never will).

Her brain:

She’s grown up with Lindsay and Britney. Their pain has been hers; their struggles and successes hers as well.

How to handle:

You can either fight the power by making her clarify “Lohan” or “Spears” every time or just know that it’s one of 20 celebs that are pretty much interchangeable anyway.

Mystery No. 8: She preps forever.

“Throwing on some jeans” takes at least half an hour.

Her brain:

Looking “spontaneous” takes time and effort. Her mental process: “Makeup, a touch-up with the curling iron … hmm, maybe I’ll floss while it warms up. Better cover up that zit too.”

How to handle:

Take a chill pill on this one.

Mystery No. 9: She hairballs the pipes.

Much like steel wool, small dense nests of her long hair clog the sink and shower drains constantly.

Her brain:

She has to trim, color, style, straighten, curl and fluff. We assume you don’t.

How to handle:

This is the price you pay for her beauty: having to yank this stuff out of bathroom pipes. Just look unphased.

Mystery No. 10: She’s 360-degree self-obsessed.

She’s as obsessed about looking as good from the back and sides as from the front (hence the yoga-inspired contortions in front of the mirror to inspect herself from all angles).

Her brain:

Half the time people look at her, it’s from the back, right?

How to handle:

Keep in mind you benefit when you get a glimpse of that thong peeking out from her pants -- which she’s totally aware of. See how it all works?

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