Okay, we've all been locked up at home a lot longer than we expected, and we're getting a bit shaggy. When I look at myself in the mirror I see a Sasquatch version of myself that hadn't shown itself since sophomore year in college, which is a sad because I liked that version of me. But times have changed (understatement!) and my unkempt appearance is not out of choice but rather out of circumstance. I could spend some time on YouTube watching home haircutting videos, but that would spoil this glorious opportunity to do something truly memorable and reinvent myself for a while. A chance like this won't come around again for a very long time, if ever. Sure, I could get out the kitchen scissors, cut cut of the tufts of hair above my ears, try and mimic what my regular barber does and use a comb and slice off a nice straight line from the top, but what is the fun in that? And because I believe that home haircuts are here to stay, I think experimentation and practice are the way to start. Soon we'll all be proficient in giving ourselves a passable haircut.
And so, this is my 'not your normal mans guide to cutting you own hair at home while the barber is closed' how to:
1. Don't let your Wife of Girlfriend do it
My wife, and I suspect many women, have been waiting for this moment for a long time. A fairly inconsequential chance to make over their man in their own image, in what version of him they want, at least hair-wise. This is why you can't allow it. They make most of the decisions already, and if they make this one, what is left? This isn't about you caring, because you probably don't care very much what you new hair looks like for your Zoom calls. Plus, you'll be able to go the barber soon anyway to fix whatever mess you make up top. But because home haircuts are here to stay, now is the time to practice, make mistakes, and learn from them.
2. Treat the First go as Practice
So why not get started by doing something really reckless and stupid? Nothing makes a statement like a Joe Strummer-style mohawk, so why not go for it? You can always fix it later. Nothing is forever, and as the saying goes, "The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about 2 weeks."
3. Get Your Supplies Ready
Now that you brimming with consequence-free confidence, you will need some tools of the trade. You will need a comb, a trimmer (your dog shears will work too!), some decent scissors, a mirror and some potentially some booze. Oh, and those layer cutting scissors are also good to have. Home haircuts works much better when your inhibitions are lowered. It is also a good idea to attempt your first try when no one else is home, so your wife, girlfriend, daughter or really anyone can talk you out of it.
4. Go For it.
Start on one side, around your ear and clean-up the hair wings that grow over the course of a month. This is the part of your hairdo that drives the rest. Take off and inch or so, and then move up toward the top of your head. Now do the other side and shake off the hair new trimmed hair so you can see your work so far. Repeat this cycle until you've got an even looking cut. Now, cut the front hairline by your forehead to your desired length. Be a little conservative here in case you screw something up later and need to fix the front again. Finally thin it out with the thinning or layering scissors. It is hard to screw this part up, so don't be afraid to get aggressive here. Most of the time your hair is too thick anyway. Now it's time for the back. This is tricky since it is unlikely you'll be able to see the back of your head in a double-mirror set-up and keep both hands free. If possible, get someone else to do that back, but in the absence of a helper, try and angle the scissors perpendicular to your spine just cut across. Shake off the excess locks, dunk your head in the shower and admire your masterpiece. And don't worry, so one will see you (or care) and two weeks will go by quickly..