It’s Mother’s Day, that time of year when you let Mom know how much you appreciate everything she’s done for you. But sometimes those expressions of love get lost in translation, like when you somehow convince yourself one of the following gifts will result in smiles and hugs … and not the kind of blowback you haven’t seen since you flunked biology. If you’re looking to rub your maternal unit the wrong way this year, go ahead and wrap one of these babies up. But let’s face it: It’s gonna be tough telling the guys at the office you’ve been grounded.

1. A Kitchen Appliance. This woman has spent years cramming food down your gob. A kitchen tool will seem less like a “Thank you” and more like a, “Hey, Ma! Can you whip me up another meatloaf?”
2. Bathroom Accoutrements. The idea of brightening up the commode with a gold-plated toilet brush or beautiful new soap dish is all well and good, but she’s gonna look at it and think one thing: crap.
3. Lingerie. Unless you have a special relationship with Mom that would bring prosecution in all 50 states, this creepy notion will bring the holiday to a screaming halt … and probably lead to your needing to register with local authorities.
4. A Gift Certificate. “Dear Mom, I just couldn’t be bothered to put any effort into thinking about what you might want, so here’s this.”
5. A Pet. Your mom is finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of taking care of you. She’s thinking pedis and mah-jongg -- not starting from scratch raising a brand-new helpless creature.
6. Fruit of the Month Club. Not exclusively a bad Mother’s Day gift. This is the kind of monumentally awful gift that can ruin any occasion.
7. A Fancy Vacuum Cleaner. “It’s time for you to take life a little easier, Ma. Use this!” Well, that might be a functionally sound concept. But for a woman who just spent half her life cleaning up after you, this idea sucks.
8. Lunch at Any Restaurant With Laminated Menus. While Hooters and IHOP are time-honored institutions, they won’t exactly scream “special occasion.” Any screaming you hear will likely be X-rated and directed at you if you choose to take her to one of these joints.
9. Automotive Supplies. Nothing says I really am an unsentimental, self-involved son like a brand-new set of white walls!
10. A Gym Membership. Your mother passes as many health clubs as you do every day. So if she hasn’t signed up for anything yet, she’s not looking for a reminder from you that she needs to get in shape. Stick with chocolates on her special day. You can tell her she’s fat tomorrow.

While the celebrities strut their stuff on various red carpets this month, we thought we’d hand out a few awards of our own. Welcome to the very first Best Facial Hair Awards. The envelope, please!

The Mountain Man Beard Award: Jake Gyllenhaal Jake Gyllenhaal’s mountain man beard might be long and bushy, but he keeps it combed, expertly trimmed and healthy-looking. When dealing with facial hair at this length, maintenance is key to avoiding an overgrown and unkempt nest full of woodland creatures.

Best Eyebrows on an Agent Award: Saif Ali Khan There’s nothing worse than a man with barely-there eyebrows. But most Bollywood stars suffer from the opposite problem – overly large or bushy eyebrows. Saif Ali Khan's Agent Vinod looks right - an Indian James Bond, impeccably dressed and styled.

Best Funny Man Mustache Award: Eddie Murphy While Tower Heist won’t win the Oscar for Best Picture, Murphy’s finely trimmed chevron mustache deserves an award for the way its angular shape balances out his oval face.

Best Hair Ball Award: Questlove If you’re going to sport a voluminous afro) lead and grow a full beard to help balance out the look and avoid looking like you’re wearing a hair helmet. His beard emphasizes his strong jawline, anchoring his incredible hairstyle and bringing the entire look together.

Best Eyebrows on a Solo Artist Award: Drake There’s nothing worse than a man with over-plucked, barely-there eyebrows. Drake’s thick but tidy brows properly frame his eyes, without looking overdone or overgrown. Gentlemen, don’t forget: There should be two.

Best Mustache on a Muppet Award: Swedish Chef You might not understand what the Swedish Chef has to say, but his mustache is perfectly clear. The Chef’s ’stache strikes a delicate balance between his bulbous nose, gaping mouth and wild eyebrows. If you have large features, dainty facial hair will only serve to make things look larger.

Best Breakup Beard: Russell Brand Breaking up is hard to do, but funnyman Russell Brand does it in style. His recent split from pop star Katy Perry has left him with a dastardly, pirate-worthy beard that gives him a brooding look -- an appropriate style for a recent divorcé, if you ask us.

Best Performance by a Goatee and Mustache Duo: Kanye West Kanye West keeps his mustache short, expertly trimmed and narrow to avoid adding weight between his nose and lip. Instead, he turns the focus to his goatee, which emphasizes his strong chin and jawline.

Best Rock ’n’ Roll Beard Award: Lenny Kravitz When you’re a rock ’n’ roll icon).

Best Smooth(ish) Stubble Award: John Legend When you’re a smooth soul singer, you need facial hair that will complement your gentlemanly style while upping your game. John Legend’s perfect short stubble adds a dash of roughness to his boyish face -- but not enough to scare off the ladies.

And our awards for most dubious facial hair styles go to …

The Trying-too-hard Stubble Award: Adam Levine Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine has perfected the art of the stubble -- and that’s the problem. It’s almost too perfect. Stubble is meant to look accidental, to sport an air of, “I woke up looking this good.” Levine’s stubble is so evenly trimmed and shaped that it appears overworked. He could use a lesson from Lenny Kravitz.

Most Awkward-looking Beard Award: Robert Pattinson When teenage girls proclaim their undying (undead?) love for you at every turn, sometimes you need to don a disguise just to get a little peace. Nothing can change your look quicker than a beard. Unfortunately, Edward’s -- I mean, Robert’s -- beard looks awkward on his boyish face and drains away his usual good looks. A perfect disguise, indeed!

 

In the golden age of teen flicks, it seemed like everybody got lucky on the big screen. Turns out these classic movies offer some real life lessons -- especially when it comes to dealing with the ladies. Here, five films that are entertaining and educational.

The art of love is a delicate thing. That’s why we take our cues from the experts. We’re talking about the classic big-screen, teen-steam machines … like Anthony Michael Hall, Jon Cryer, and the Pepé Le Pew of the pubescent scene, Kevin Bacon!

Yes, these high school anti-studs, who somehow bumbled their way into the hearts of some of the finest teen babes from The Breakfast Club to the Joel Goodson bordello, offer a fine road map to finding romance -- even if you’ve already made that wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Here, some of the key lessons you need to study to score an “A” in Love 101 … or just to score.

Footloose (1984)
Sex education: You may not be in the cool clique, but if you dance (like a man), baby, and stay true to thyself, you’ll step right into her heart forever!
Big-city Kevin Bacon might as well be ET when he crash-lands in a one-plow town where American civil liberties apparently don’t apply. No music! No parties! No dancing! Hell, no freakin’ Flock of Seagulls! So when the moussed-up, future Mr. Sedgwick shows up in shrink-wrapped jeans and a ripped-up sweatshirt, he executes a foolproof plan to dance his way into the heart of the hottest girl in town (Lori Singer), defeat her fire-and-brimstone-preaching pop (a dance denouncer) and bring joy to the masses in the process. But once Bacon kicks off his Sunday shoes, the town loses its oppressive laws, Pop loses his religion and Lori Singer chucks her virtue into the bargain. The lesson here: You gotta be you … unless you happen to be Kevin Bacon -- he’s stuck with being him. If you have confidence to let your freak flag fly, women will know you’re the real deal.

Weird Science (1985)
Sex education: You can manufacture confidence, and when you do, it’ll bring you action.
It would take a miraculous scientific breakthrough for super nerds Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Illan Mitchell-Smith) to get a girl to notice them … so they plug a program into their SUV-sized computer and … Oingo Boingo! Say hello to the hottest digital development until the iPod: virtual vixen Lisa (Kelly LeBrock). Her mere presence alongside Gary and Wyatt makes these guys the coolest kids in school and the high schoolers with the hottest chicks. But it was more than just the virtual girl that got them action; it was the real confidence she gave them to prove that geeks can get freaky with the best of them. So remember: You don’t have to be cool to draw some heat … just gotta act it.

Pretty in Pink (1986)
Sex education: If you’re a good friend, you’ll get a girl -- it just might not be the girl.
Money-challenged Andie (Molly Ringwald) is in love with richie-rich Blaine (Andrew McCarthy). But Blaine’s snobby buddy, Steff (James Spader), wants him to dump her for someone more appropriate to his social set. But even more tragic is that Andie’s Salvation Army-styled best friend, Ducky (Jon Cryer), who’s hopelessly in love with her, has to convince Blaine that she’s worth more than all his friends combined. Sadly, he’s successful and Blaine blows off the snobs for Ducky’s dream doll. But wait! Ducky then gets plucked from the prom crowd by smokin’ hot, future vampire slayer Kristy Swanson … who admires his character! The lesson here? Friendship and loyalty lead to love -- at least for Jon Cryer, who gets action that’s way over his head. So be nice, kids -- clearly it pays off!

Risky Business (1983)
Sex education: Put yourself at risk for a chick, and you can melt her heart.
Joel is a good kid with hydrogen-fueled hormones. He’s working to get on Princeton’s short list, but he’s no genius with the ladies (which is kinda weird since he looks suspiciously like Tom freakin’ Cruise). So when his friends dial up a not-quite-lady of the evening, who directs him to a sweetie with more up top and less between the legs … it’s unlikely love at first credit card swipe with superhot Lana (Rebecca De Mornay). And while Joel looks like an easy mark, his selfless efforts to save her from her somewhat menacing pimp (we actually think L. Ron Hubbard is scarier than Joe Pantoliano) cause her to fall head over hooker heels for him. Also? He gets into Princeton! Remember, though: Paying for sex never pays off … unless, you know, you’re Tom Cruise and you’re in a movie that says it does.

The Breakfast Club (1985)
Sex education: Clichés can date outside their own species.
Wondering what happens when you gather a jock, a geek, a thug, a princess and a freak in the same room for detention? To find out, you must first find some actors who are at least eight years out of high school to play them. (Hello, Judd Nelson! How’s the AARP treating you?) Then, despite the fact that they all hate everything the others stand for … they’ll just open up to each other like they never have to even their closest friends or parish priests. Once they discover they’re all just struggling, decent kids underneath their choreographed exteriors, they’ll mate like bunnies in a breeding farm -- except for the geek (Anthony Michael Hall), of course -- he’s got a girlfriend in Canada! So don’t despair! Remember there’s someone out there for anybody -- as long as you’re willing to ditch your own adorable, antisocial persona … and you’re into the ‘80s band Tears for Fears.

 

2010 was a season of remakes, sequels and superheroes. So what’s in store for 2011? You got it: more remakes, sequels and superheroes. We run through the summer movie lineup and tell you which films look worthy of a trip to the theater.

Super 8
Release Date: June 10
You don’t expect a train wreck when J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg collaborate, but that’s how Super 8 opens: Some local kids shooting a movie next to a railroad cause an almighty crash. And then things turn strange. Dogs go missing. The military moves in. Apparently the train was on its way from Area 51, and Elle Fanning and Kyle Chandler (Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights) are caught in the thick of it. Abrams knows his way around a crash (“Lost”) and an alien invasion (Cloverfield). This will be a wreck worth watching.

Green Lantern
Release Date: June 17
In a strong field of superhero movies, Green Lantern does its best to shine. Ryan Reynolds receives a mysterious green ring and finds himself embroiled in an intergalactic struggle to preserve peace in the universe. Equipped with tight pants, a breakneck script and a zillion dollars’ worth of special effects, he jets off into a world of elaborate aliens and extremely high stakes. Warner Bros. threw everything at the wall for this one, and it appears that most of it stuck.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Release Date: July 1
Reviewers hated Transformers 2, and yet it made more than $800 million worldwide. If you listen really carefully, you can still hear director Michael Bay having the last laugh. In part three of the trilogy, he dares to tamper with his winning formula. Not only has Megan Fox been replaced by Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but Dark of the Moon incorporates something that Transformers 2 did perfectly well without: a proper story.

Horrible Bosses
Release Date: July 8
Audiences were roaring at the screenings of this one -- a hard R comedy caper, in which three friends decide to get together and murder their bosses. Cue much bungling, hilarity and (if you liked The Hangover), a great night out. It’s seemingly one of those rare times that a stellar cast lives up to its billing. Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis (“SNL”), and Charlie Day (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) are the hapless killers. Look out for a degenerate Colin Farrell as one of the bosses.

Captain America: The First Avenger
Release Date: July 22
America could use a hero about now, and if the buzz is to be believed, The First Avenger will not disappoint. For years, Marvel junkies have debated the choice of director Joe Johnston (The Wolfman) and the casting of Chris Evans (Scott Pilgrim vs the World) in the title role. But then they saw the trailer in the Super Bowl commercial break, and all doubts were set aside. Evans plays a weakling -- too puny for the army in World War II -- who is transformed into a muscle-bound, Nazi-bashing superhero. Tommy Lee Jones plays the drill sergeant.

Cowboys and Aliens
Release Date: July 29
Fresh from Iron Man II, director Jon Favreau had a question: What if aliens landed in the Wild West? It’s the sort of question that writers mull over in coffee shops instead of working. Like: What if zombies took over Nazi Germany? Or: Who would win in a fight -- vampires or the Mafia? Except this time, Favreau actually made the movie. And with a cast that includes Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde, Cowboys and Aliens may just have “blockbuster” written all over it.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Release Date: August 5
Between earning his Ph.D., debuting his art installations and sawing his own arm off with a tiny knife, James Franco has somehow found time to play the lead scientist in the prequel that explains how Planet of the Apes came about in the first place. A drug test on chimpanzees leads to a dramatic increase in their intelligence until they escape their laboratories and vie against humans for supremacy. Forget the Charlton Heston movie of 1968 -- this time, the apes look like apes.

Conan the Barbarian
Release Date: August 19
For years, the story of Conan has been inextricably linked to another myth -- that of a young Austrian muscleman who became governor of California. It was Conan that launched Arnie more than any other movie. So Jason Momoa, the former “Baywatch” star, has his work cut out for him. But he has the muscles, he wields a good sword, and his lines are juicy: “I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.” Worth a look, if only because Momoa may be headed for bigger things.

Photos: DreamWorks Pictures & Warner Bros. Pictures/ Wikimedia Commons

Last week, we talked to three U.S. Olympic hopefuls, all affiliated with the New York Athletic Club, about their training regimens. This week, we talk to them about the challenges of being Olympic-caliber athletes; what their individual sports demand of them; and how they motivate themselves to compete at such a high level.

Our athletes:

Jake Herbert, wrestler, age 26, from Naperville, Ill.; 2009 World Freestyle, silver medalist

Seth Kelsey, fencer, age 29, from Colorado Springs, Colo.; 2010 World Championships, silver medalist

Jarrod Shoemaker, triathlete, age 28, from Maynard, Mass.; 2008 Olympian, USA Triathlon 2010 Elite National Champion

 

MLT: What’s your biggest challenge as an Olympic athlete?

Kelsey: “It’s always a struggle to balance everything. I’m in the [Air Force] Reserves and work one weekend a month. I’m really fortunate in that my unit has been supportive of my Olympic dreams and working around my travel and training schedule.”

Shoemaker: “The biggest challenge is definitely balance. Training can’t become everything in your life.”

MLT: Name one thing about your sport that most people probably don’t know.

Herbert: “Olympic wrestling is different than high school or collegiate. In the Olympics, you could win -- or lose -- a match in 40 seconds.”

Shoemaker: “People hear triathlon, they think Iron Man. In that kind of really long-distance event, your goal is to stay under your anaerobic threshold -- basically to be as comfortable as possible for the time you have to be out there. In the Olympic triathlon, the distances are a little shorter, so our goal is to go hard. It’s all about power and speed.”

Kelsey: “Fencing is like a game of tag, except with sharp weapons.”

MLT: How do you perform your best when the pressure’s on?

Kelsey: “I’ll be a little nervous before competition, and that’s a good thing. It means I care. It’s when I’m not nervous that it’s time to worry. But I think one way to keep your poise during competition is by having a routine. Before each match, our warm-up is the same. Having a routine helps focus you.”

Shoemaker: “I know where I am, and I know there are still people better than me. So what motivates me is figuring out what I have to do to make myself that much better -- to achieve that small percentage of improvement I need to win that race.”

MLT: Do you have a quote that epitomizes your philosophy on training and competition, something that helps you stay motivated?

Kelsey: “I go with my favorite [paraphrased] quote from Teddy Roosevelt: ‘Ease in the present is due to great effort in the past.’ If you put in the hard work, you can make it look really easy.”

Herbert: “The one I like best I heard from Tom and Terry Brands, Olympic wrestlers and [University of] Iowa wrestling coaches: ‘You have to hate losing more than you love winning.’”

Shoemaker: “‘There is no such word as ‘can't’!’”

Photos: Courtesy of New York Athletic Club